Memoirs 'de' MOI

So I woke up last night thinking of what to write and all I could think of was my life in techno colour. My own method to madness and the insane indescribable decisions I have made. I couldn’t decide which one would be catchier, the story of going from straight to gay then back to straight again, or the insane struggle within me to stay chaste even when I have been defiled a thousand and one times. I have never understood the rationale that governed my life, but being a young lady with different blend of three temperaments fused into one, I cannot exactly say I can always vouch for my next line of action, and I can only remind myself of how unpredictable I am. I won’t exactly call my life poignant but most of it has not had what I always sought to achieve. I have tried to live my life vicariously through everyone else's; it makes no sense to me now. What was fulfilling to me then has become meaningless; reminds me of “the Preacher – Vanity upon vanity, all is vanity”. I reasoned that if I couldn’t live the perfect ‘dream’ life so what was the usefulness of it all. In doing so I have been stripped of all dignity, raped of my ideals and looked at condescendingly. I would always have thought that I would achieve something that outlasts life. Oh my! It’s a sad lonely lonely life I lived then. I couldn’t understand the decisions I made but I made them anyway. I took silly risks, and stupid misadventures; am I being too hard on myself... well, I think that’s the whole point of objectivity, I can’t suddenly turn subjective cause it’s my life now, can I? Presently I have been faced with my dark side often; that deep and selfish part that presents its sweet personality only to be found out later of its destructive tendencies. I have battled the demons within, but who am I kidding, my carnal mind still lurks within me. In doing this, I have destroyed everyone I found in its wake, I could go on living like this but I had nothing left to destroy, and nothing left to remind me that the path was still fresh. I am no saint, I have done it all. I have even given my body to someone less deserving which in itself is unpaid prostitution; and that is less dignifying that being caught stealing. I have tried to purge my soul of the demons that exists therein; I have undergone mental exorcism with little or no chance to undergo physical purgatory. I have scrubbed myself clean day after day watching me bleed out the evil that lives within me; forgetting the proverb that says ‘the evil that men do lives with them’. I have sought a better way to dispose of my emotions, to leak them out without having the decency to tuck them back before it comes to limelight. So instead of letting them go, I have written down my spirit, sung out my soul and diffused myself of all bad karma. I have stayed under the scotching Sun and the thundering rain asking God for a punishment that best befits me but deep down inside it is His mercy I seek, His favour that I need to dumbfound me. I do not think that even a psychiatrist can understand the workings of my mind as simple as it is; it would have gotten an Oscar, if anything like that existed for the mind. I could be a transformer, anything I want to be to pin-point the originality that my mind presents but instead I choose to be me – I will take my mistakes for any other person’s any day because they are my mistakes, I made them and it turned me to be better or worse than I am already. I don’t have to write but I choose to; I don’t have to eat but I choose to; I don’t even have to live but I choose to because in my heart it all shows me that no matter the choices I make and how good or bad they turn out, I will still exist for myself to be someone better than I dreamt or imagined. The level of eccentricity my flesh demands is like having a micro chip stuck in your body, you know you have it, you know you are being followed and stuck with the watched life that it presents but still you cannot let go of it. I can’t be sick of it, I can’t even loathe it, I can only learn to groom it like a second skin and make sure everyone see it shine even when it presents with all the viral content that exist inside it. So I keep pondering the lyrics of Jordin Sparks ‘This is my now’ and ‘God loves ugly’; hoping that in some ways these lyrics will help refine my soul and disguise me to be something better than I am. Because it doesn’t matter if my mind deceives me, inside I know I am no less gratifying than the second being that walks beside me.

So make me a queen for being true to myself, make me a spectacle for the eyes to behold, crown me with all adornment possible because I have been true to myself even with all the negativity I exude sometimes. My mind is still distorted but I couldn’t have it any other way. The only thing I see as I move on are all blue skies that tell me life still remains; and change still exists.

The GAY hitch

Reading this, I’m sure a lot of people will think me crazy. Oh what the heck, I think ‘me’ crazy. But come to think of it, who isn’t? We are all crazy. Those moments of pure madness where we decide to burst out and do simply outrageous things to others and ourselves. I just felt a need to put down a simply disturbing thought that has been plaguing my mind. This is a very controversial, not straight to the point note, filled with annoying analogies and stupid references, I do not understand it myself but I just decided to put down my scattered thought on paper and post... For all my gay, lesbian and straight friends out there; forgive me for this haphazardly crazy write up or maybe not. Hmmm ... an interestingly controversial topic, it has its benefits but just like having ‘the seven year hitch’ with a heterosexual partner, you also have the ‘gay hitch’. It is not every day that one gets to be in tune with the ‘gay’ world. Not trying to cast aspersions I have seen that from this sect, there always seem to be an underlying tension that surrounds them. I have over the years experienced both sides of the coin being a victim myself, and I can say with all confidence that I have noticed overtime that the level of selflessness is more highly rated in a heterosexual relationship. I have not yet understood the reason behind this rationale, but from my standpoint I have been made to realise that more of the gay people out there always have this constant need for reassurance and because of this, it has developed into a cycle of ‘winner takes all’. To my knowledge, it seems to me that it stems from the un-acceptance of their lifestyle from most of the world. The fact that they are not allowed the things that the normal sexual orientation are entitled to. I do not totally support the fact that a man is allowed to have a man; or a woman making love to a woman, but the fact is most of us in all honesty; have sacredly disillusioned the whole idea of having a relationship in the first place. Most gay people want what straight people want, which is intimacy and truthfulness in a relationship. The fact that some of them have seen the institution of marriage as fraudulent is another reason they decided to be gay in the first place thinking that I can have a partner and not be saddled with the thought of marriage. Some even support the ban on gay rights to be married so that they can just remain the way they are; anonymous but still enjoying intimacy. The rationale I had when I chose to become lesbian at some point in my life was the fact that it was far better than the normal how-be-it-pretense-filled relationship of our day and time. I didn’t understand then why everyone had to be in a relationship that someone lied or cheated or worse. So I decided I’d rather be a ‘possessive-bitchy-lesbian’ than a normal heterosexual female waiting to be devoured by the next lying cheating man that came along. That was then, now I have a new thinking. Like it’s said in the Bible ‘old things passed away’, I became new. But still in the new process, I found out that I don’t entirely blame these groups. I mean it may be essentially wrong but let’s look at it, a lie’s a lie’s a lie. May not make sense but the truth is the same way that people lie, people kill. I mean look at it the same God that wanted to burn down Sodom and Gomorrah for their homosexual practices is the same God who allowed Israel (his special people) to be captured for worshipping other gods, and in turn having unholy relationships with their women. There is no division to all these, it all comes down to what the body wants from you. To lie, steal, to have a relationship with a girl or a man, to fornicate. Oh well! Who can blame them, no one can. I found it completely hideous that people judge these people for being the way they are, when it’s a completely personal decision. I mean, look at it, the fact that they hold back from exposing themselves to friends and family is enough torture for them, and so why put them in more misery by pointing fingers. It is still a shock to most parents who raised their kids to be godly to accept them when they say ‘hey ma, I’m gay’. Well, you can hear pins drop in the silence that ensures. I was watching the movie ‘wedding dates’ where it was a classic case of brother is gay but I don’t accept him that way, and I am not but I sleep with my fiancée before marriage. Seriously, what’s the difference? You judge them, they judge you. There is a reason why judging doesn’t correspond with God because acceptance always leads to forgiveness then change, but without it, there is only guilt, rebellion and more guilt. It’s the gay hitch y’all, let them be, give them space, it’s them with their Creator not you as their Creator. I am not God’s mouthpiece but I think if God were to decide punishments, the people who judged would be whooped more than any other sinner ever. It is just the law of Karma, and I remember pondering on the thought of my senior pastor in church when he spoke on ‘SEX’ in church; he said and I paraphrase “For those of you who condemn people that live sinful lives or have same sex partners, be warned that soon the sin would be on your doorstep”. Not that he accepted it as a way of life or agreed to the fact that they are born that way (which by the way makes absolutely no sense to me); but he just pointed out to the fact that judging never paid off.

I believe as opposed to the notion of being born the way you are, I think you choose to the live the way you do. You are born either a male or female but anything after that is based on the decisions or choices that you or your parents made before you could make decisions on your own. Gay or straight no judgment here, just that you have to choose your paths wisely and examine your decisions from time to time; and for the gays that can’t do without being possessive, ease up a little, your partner is all yours, no need to get your pants up in a twist. I think my not so coherent thoughts come to an end here.

Closure

I could never understand the circumstances that surround my being
Most times you just want to give it all up, hoping, praying for a miracle
In an air-tight closure, I gasp for air
It all feels so surreal, the way it seems to be crumbling beneath me
What, I ask myself is the essence of it all
The essence of goodness, for making experiences worthwhile
My life is surrounded by the abyss of it all
A life so indescribable, it hurts to think about
I thought I could glory in the presence of the clandestine that so easily plagues me
Resolving to mark a better path, my life's un-seeming circumstance
Ingrained with the injustice of guilt and hopelessness, thriving to be much better than I really am
Two forces deeply burden my heart and I wish it could be assuaged of this guilt
The sin that so easily besets us
I thought I could love enough to conquer them, but love disparagingly never gave way for me
To yield to another is to abandon self with the promise of redemption
Trapped in the dungeon of my being, I could never find a way of escape
The despair of my inner child uncharacteristically troubled by the absence of serenity
Tears well up in my eyes, and I can't seem to shake off the heaviness
The serenade of lost dreams

She's all that

She's All That

An epitome of beauty, priced like no other
She can be likened to a goddess, one that is not worshipped but reverred
Her skin glows like diamonds,
Her eyes sparkle like the stars
Her angelic gracefulness is visible in every step she takes
Her speech is flawless, a lady of virtue
She bears fruits that depict her indispensability
She is a collage of kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and love
As gentle as a dove, and her meekness is incomparable
She is as organized as the ants in the field, and doesn't leave anything to chance
Like precious stones fused together, she has sides to her that couldn't be deciphered
People are blessed with her presence, and her life is filled with so much laughter
She basks in the euphoria of nature
To every child, she is the fairy godmother they read about in their bedtime stories
The gentleman that stays at her side is awed by the spell which she has cast on him,
He glories in her presence because she submits to him willingly
You can never hear a harsh word from the lips of this goddess
She worships God without an iota of doubt, and also puts Him first in everything
Her maker is proud to have her as his child, and uses her as an example to all
Who can find a woman of grace?
Who can find a woman of virtue?
He says, my daughter is the ultimate example and I'm proud to call her my own
A woman after my own heart, and the reason I do not regret the grace I bestowed on mankind
God is in the midst of her, she shall not be moved
God shall help her and in due season too
Nations are changed by her impact,
Kin

gdoms are built by her understanding,
She's the change agent every seeks, the world is her oyster
never detarred by inhuman circumstances, she increases her pace and swiftly looks for means to gently add value to the lives that surround her

If it's not my spouse

IF IT AIN'T MY SPOUSE

First, he has to show proof of ownership, the Bible, our marriage certificate, then the ring because

the ring may just be a camouflage, and can be attributed to a piece of artefact fastened to the third finger.

So, the Bible and our marriage certificate are the first viable excuse, and also serving as a proof of our holy solemnization

It is common knowledge that in the circular world of today, many are plagued with the pressure of pre-marital affiliations especially in regards to having sexual relationships, as a means of gratification for either happiness, or as a proof of premature maturity.

Well... if what most people posit is still not being justified by the Bible, then it means that what most people believe as being standard and true is the equivalent of a falacious belief.

A fact is not the same thing as the truth, like a popular advertisement says 'If e no be panadol, e no fit be like panadol'.

Most times it baffles me that the only thing most people worry about, or concern themselves with is that fact that another life can be created from their escapades rather than worry about the many bacteria, fungi or even viral infections that can come out of this most times pressurized-pleasure.

Being put in the family way to me is the least important of all the worries that a person should engage in, in regards to being involved with someone sexually. If you didn't want the responsibility, of being accountable for another being's existence, then getting involved remains the silliest maneuver of the century. In the absent of having no one to blame, we start to affix blames on both the intangible, tangible, abstract and non-abstract.

This admonition goes to both the ladies and gents, because most times people have the misconception that only the ladies should stay pure and chaste. There is no chapter, verse or any mention in the Bible where it is stated that only the ladies should not be engaged in sex prematurely.

As the Bible posits, and in reference to it I beg to disagree that only the ladies are convicted to staying chaste.

In conclusion, the Bible has laid down the ground rules for us else this will just be meaningless banter, and mere gibberish. The modern world has tried to pour asphalt on all our original values where people appreciated themselves, and had value not just for their fellow beings but also for their bodies; in those days, a lot of people refused to sell their body for mere pittance, but in the new age more is becoming less, and less is becoming more.

I pray that we would all be able to find our way back to our roots instead of letting the stem, the branches and leaves to beguile us into thinking that, that is all there is to be offered and the solid foundation never existed in the first place.

So, if there is no legal tender, or spiritual justification, I think it will be best to shout 'NO DEAL!!!'

Tdazzle (c) 12-Nov-10

The bond that runs deep
broken by the foolishness of the father
the arrogance of the mother
separating the hearts and minds of the young ones they set to train
living in the illusion of a false sense of fulfilment
lying to the faces of this young generation
I have never seen such sorrow
in the hearts if these young ones
deeply rooted and ingrained in their already broken spirits
so they can never learn, they can only make mistakes and plead to the supernatural to have mercy
Mercy for their souls
redeeming them from their hurts
Who will save this young generation that has been engulfed by bitterness
A false perception of worthlessness
when they have so much potentials
A controlled lineage, the probable cause of the ignorant life of parents
they could have been so much better; had the circumstances been different
silently they pray so their voices will not be heard
afraid of the manipulations of darkness, they crave for light

the perfect halo for innocent souls
regardless of guile; indifferent of the bile
they unassumingly forgive, begging the heavenlies for a change
A meaning to outlast life
and a reason for this plague of bitterness to lift from their hearts


(c) tdazzle '10

Transformation

The flood of tears combined with the deep-sitted hatred I felt couldn't have made me look beyond me
Slowly and unsuspecting, the bile rose deep within me, emotions which were filled with everything unpleasant I could never have thought myself save
I was going down deep, it wasn't my call to make, all I knew is I was being buried six feet under
Throughout my lifetime I could not have thought myself save from it all till I made the discovery that was going to change my life for good. The transformation took three weeks of my entire life, gradually I began to see myself as I ought to have 
The Grace that I so deeply craved all these years was beginning to find me, and it was relieve beyond measure to see myself save from the darkness that threatened to engulf me.
Like a swan that changes from being an ugly duckling to a beautiful and immensely glorious creature, I was transformed
I saw myself as beautiful again.
I couldn't explain the phenomenal change but all I knew was it had to be supernatural...