Memoirs 'de' MOI

So I woke up last night thinking of what to write and all I could think of was my life in techno colour. My own method to madness and the insane indescribable decisions I have made. I couldn’t decide which one would be catchier, the story of going from straight to gay then back to straight again, or the insane struggle within me to stay chaste even when I have been defiled a thousand and one times. I have never understood the rationale that governed my life, but being a young lady with different blend of three temperaments fused into one, I cannot exactly say I can always vouch for my next line of action, and I can only remind myself of how unpredictable I am. I won’t exactly call my life poignant but most of it has not had what I always sought to achieve. I have tried to live my life vicariously through everyone else's; it makes no sense to me now. What was fulfilling to me then has become meaningless; reminds me of “the Preacher – Vanity upon vanity, all is vanity”. I reasoned that if I couldn’t live the perfect ‘dream’ life so what was the usefulness of it all. In doing so I have been stripped of all dignity, raped of my ideals and looked at condescendingly. I would always have thought that I would achieve something that outlasts life. Oh my! It’s a sad lonely lonely life I lived then. I couldn’t understand the decisions I made but I made them anyway. I took silly risks, and stupid misadventures; am I being too hard on myself... well, I think that’s the whole point of objectivity, I can’t suddenly turn subjective cause it’s my life now, can I? Presently I have been faced with my dark side often; that deep and selfish part that presents its sweet personality only to be found out later of its destructive tendencies. I have battled the demons within, but who am I kidding, my carnal mind still lurks within me. In doing this, I have destroyed everyone I found in its wake, I could go on living like this but I had nothing left to destroy, and nothing left to remind me that the path was still fresh. I am no saint, I have done it all. I have even given my body to someone less deserving which in itself is unpaid prostitution; and that is less dignifying that being caught stealing. I have tried to purge my soul of the demons that exists therein; I have undergone mental exorcism with little or no chance to undergo physical purgatory. I have scrubbed myself clean day after day watching me bleed out the evil that lives within me; forgetting the proverb that says ‘the evil that men do lives with them’. I have sought a better way to dispose of my emotions, to leak them out without having the decency to tuck them back before it comes to limelight. So instead of letting them go, I have written down my spirit, sung out my soul and diffused myself of all bad karma. I have stayed under the scotching Sun and the thundering rain asking God for a punishment that best befits me but deep down inside it is His mercy I seek, His favour that I need to dumbfound me. I do not think that even a psychiatrist can understand the workings of my mind as simple as it is; it would have gotten an Oscar, if anything like that existed for the mind. I could be a transformer, anything I want to be to pin-point the originality that my mind presents but instead I choose to be me – I will take my mistakes for any other person’s any day because they are my mistakes, I made them and it turned me to be better or worse than I am already. I don’t have to write but I choose to; I don’t have to eat but I choose to; I don’t even have to live but I choose to because in my heart it all shows me that no matter the choices I make and how good or bad they turn out, I will still exist for myself to be someone better than I dreamt or imagined. The level of eccentricity my flesh demands is like having a micro chip stuck in your body, you know you have it, you know you are being followed and stuck with the watched life that it presents but still you cannot let go of it. I can’t be sick of it, I can’t even loathe it, I can only learn to groom it like a second skin and make sure everyone see it shine even when it presents with all the viral content that exist inside it. So I keep pondering the lyrics of Jordin Sparks ‘This is my now’ and ‘God loves ugly’; hoping that in some ways these lyrics will help refine my soul and disguise me to be something better than I am. Because it doesn’t matter if my mind deceives me, inside I know I am no less gratifying than the second being that walks beside me.

So make me a queen for being true to myself, make me a spectacle for the eyes to behold, crown me with all adornment possible because I have been true to myself even with all the negativity I exude sometimes. My mind is still distorted but I couldn’t have it any other way. The only thing I see as I move on are all blue skies that tell me life still remains; and change still exists.